[ He had intended to leave the shared house without a word. It would have been easy to do, considering the wall he’s already built between himself and the Starks, but there’s still an irritatingly tender spot in his heart for them that he can’t ignore.
Rather than spark up another argument with Jon, he would rather approach Sansa. His manipulated mind won’t allow him to trust her completely, but she’s been kinder to him than he feels he deserves. At the very least, he can offer her this small kindness in return. ]
I’m not staying. I thought one of you should know.
[ It’s better this way, he thinks. Robb is gone, half the reason Theon had chosen to stay to begin with, and their lord father can offer them whatever protection they may need against Ramsay. He does't look forward to feeling out of place among them, and he doesn't look forward to the look in Lord Eddard's eyes when the truth of what he's done spills out. It's better this way. ]
it's been a worry that has grown stronger, taken roots inside her chest, roots that can no longer be torn out — the branches of it push against her ribcage, threaten to tear open her lungs, stealing away her breath.
it's a worry that she once thought she would never feel, but here it is, swallowing her whole — is it not enough that they should lose Robb? must she now lose Theon, too? ]
Would you stay, if I asked you to?
[ it's cruel, she thinks, both for him and for her, and yet she asks it anyway. ]
[ He absolutely loathes himself for, briefly, considering otherwise. The Starks are not his family. He isn’t one of them and he can never hope to be, no matter what thoughts Jon tries to plant into his mind.
Even more, he loathes that it actually hurts to tell her no. He shouldn’t care as much as he does, and the thinks he should apologize, but he's too proud to do so. He goes for a humorous quip instead, as he always has. If they were actually speaking, she would hear a laugh. ]
Your father and Jon together have always made for a stifling display of honor. It's a wonder no one ever choked just by being in their presence.
Then I will not, to spare you for having to answer.
[ best to pretend she hadn't already asked — it pains her too much, already, to see him pulling away like this. she'd asked Asha to protect him... now she is gone, and Theon will not let her any closer.
she wants to scream at him, to ask him if he's going to abandon her again, only this time there is no Iron Islands for him to return to — no, she can't, because this Theon has never abandoned her. had never saved her, in the first place. ]
So you would leave me to choke? [ if they were speaking, she would not say it — would not admit that she is not honorable like them. that for as much as she loves them, both of them, she fears that their honour will only get them killed again. ]
Theon, please, be careful. I won't ask you to stay, but this I do ask of you. Ramsay will want to get to you. You don't know what he's like, not yet, but I know him, I know he hates it, that you don't remember. Promise me that you won't ever trust anything he says.
You’re a Stark. You’re all the epitome of honor. You’re immune.
[ Because he does consider Sansa to be honorable as well, now that he’s seen her grow beyond the young girl she was when she left for King’s Landing, but not to the extent of Jon and Ned. No one comes close to their frustratingly high levels of honor, except for Robb. ]
I know what he’s like.
[ He can pretend the memories he has aren’t his own; that they’re the making of the confused, half-mad man he thinks he’s become, but they haven’t disappeared. When Ramsay speaks, Theon still hears the voice of the man who called himself Reek in Winterfell. In his nightmares, it’s the same voice that pressed him to kill two boys in place of Bran and Rickon, the same voice that urged him to allow the bodies to be flayed, and the same voice that ordered Winterfell to the burned.
It’s easier, though, to accept Ramsay’s explanation. He was driven mad by his guilt and his grief over what he’d done. That must be it. No one else seems to recall things the way Theon does, after all. ]
[ it is something she can say with confidence — yes, the Theon she remembers would have known, had known Ramsay longer than she had, knew more about him than she did. but this, this Theon, oh, of course he would think he knew. whatever memories he had, whatever Ramsay had told him... he thought he knew.
he couldn't know. ] You think you do, but you don't. [ because hearing isn't the same as experiencing, and as little as she ever wanted Theon to go through any of it again... she feels alone, more alone than when Theon left her to return to Iron Islands. ]
... I'm sorry about him, too. He cared about you, you know. Like a real brother. He always did.
[ He’s too stubborn and too angry to let this go. ]
Yes, I do. You cannot tell me what I do and do not know.
[ Like a real brother. He halfway regrets not making this an audio or video conversation just for the sake of getting a bitter laugh in. Like a real brother. Maybe once, maybe before, but not after all the things he’s done. ]
If you believe that is how he saw me, then you’ve forgotten who it was that I betrayed.
[ In Theon’s mind, it all comes back around to Robb rather than the Starks as a whole. It’s pitiful and honestly a bit cruel. Winterfell was a home to all of them, but it’s how he’s always viewed it. Robb was his friend and actually trusted him. The others just put up with him. ]
Or you would like to make me think you’ve forgotten.
Theon, I'm not trying to tell you that, I'm trying to protect you!
[ just like he'd protected her, in the end. but how can she protect him if he won't let her? ]
I haven't forgotten... I've forgiven you. There's a difference. I don't believe you did it because you wanted to. You may have done it because you felt like you had to, but you never did it because you'd have hated Robb, or wanted him to come to any harm.
Besides, you've been punished enough for what you did. At least the you I remember has been.
[ When he sees Jon and Sansa, he has a difficult time recognizing them as the people he once knew. The Sansa who left for King's Landing only tolerated him, but he can never seen her claiming to want to protect him from anything. He struggles with these new versions of the children he grew up with. They confuse him and the unfamiliarity angers him.
Everything angers him, truth be told. ]
No, I never hated Robb, but that doesn't mean he would ever forgive me if he were still here.
I'm not the Theon you remember. I'm not sure he existed at all. Stop trying to make me into him. I'm not him.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
text; un: ironborn. SURPRISE after robb returns to stasis
Rather than spark up another argument with Jon, he would rather approach Sansa. His manipulated mind won’t allow him to trust her completely, but she’s been kinder to him than he feels he deserves. At the very least, he can offer her this small kindness in return. ]
I’m not staying. I thought one of you should know.
[ It’s better this way, he thinks. Robb is gone, half the reason Theon had chosen to stay to begin with, and their lord father can offer them whatever protection they may need against Ramsay. He does't look forward to feeling out of place among them, and he doesn't look forward to the look in Lord Eddard's eyes when the truth of what he's done spills out. It's better this way. ]
Though I've no doubt you’ve already guessed.
wails???????!??!?!?!?
it's been a worry that has grown stronger, taken roots inside her chest, roots that can no longer be torn out — the branches of it push against her ribcage, threaten to tear open her lungs, stealing away her breath.
it's a worry that she once thought she would never feel, but here it is, swallowing her whole — is it not enough that they should lose Robb? must she now lose Theon, too? ]
Would you stay, if I asked you to?
[ it's cruel, she thinks, both for him and for her, and yet she asks it anyway. ]
no subject
[ He absolutely loathes himself for, briefly, considering otherwise. The Starks are not his family. He isn’t one of them and he can never hope to be, no matter what thoughts Jon tries to plant into his mind.
Even more, he loathes that it actually hurts to tell her no. He shouldn’t care as much as he does, and the thinks he should apologize, but he's too proud to do so. He goes for a humorous quip instead, as he always has. If they were actually speaking, she would hear a laugh. ]
Your father and Jon together have always made for a stifling display of honor. It's a wonder no one ever choked just by being in their presence.
this thread is killing me i hope you know
[ best to pretend she hadn't already asked — it pains her too much, already, to see him pulling away like this. she'd asked Asha to protect him... now she is gone, and Theon will not let her any closer.
she wants to scream at him, to ask him if he's going to abandon her again, only this time there is no Iron Islands for him to return to — no, she can't, because this Theon has never abandoned her. had never saved her, in the first place. ]
So you would leave me to choke? [ if they were speaking, she would not say it — would not admit that she is not honorable like them. that for as much as she loves them, both of them, she fears that their honour will only get them killed again. ]
Theon, please, be careful. I won't ask you to stay, but this I do ask of you. Ramsay will want to get to you. You don't know what he's like, not yet, but I know him, I know he hates it, that you don't remember. Promise me that you won't ever trust anything he says.
man, me too tho
[ Because he does consider Sansa to be honorable as well, now that he’s seen her grow beyond the young girl she was when she left for King’s Landing, but not to the extent of Jon and Ned. No one comes close to their frustratingly high levels of honor, except for Robb. ]
I know what he’s like.
[ He can pretend the memories he has aren’t his own; that they’re the making of the confused, half-mad man he thinks he’s become, but they haven’t disappeared. When Ramsay speaks, Theon still hears the voice of the man who called himself Reek in Winterfell. In his nightmares, it’s the same voice that pressed him to kill two boys in place of Bran and Rickon, the same voice that urged him to allow the bodies to be flayed, and the same voice that ordered Winterfell to the burned.
It’s easier, though, to accept Ramsay’s explanation. He was driven mad by his guilt and his grief over what he’d done. That must be it. No one else seems to recall things the way Theon does, after all. ]
I'm sorry about Robb.
no subject
[ it is something she can say with confidence — yes, the Theon she remembers would have known, had known Ramsay longer than she had, knew more about him than she did. but this, this Theon, oh, of course he would think he knew. whatever memories he had, whatever Ramsay had told him... he thought he knew.
he couldn't know. ] You think you do, but you don't. [ because hearing isn't the same as experiencing, and as little as she ever wanted Theon to go through any of it again... she feels alone, more alone than when Theon left her to return to Iron Islands. ]
... I'm sorry about him, too. He cared about you, you know. Like a real brother. He always did.
no subject
Yes, I do. You cannot tell me what I do and do not know.
[ Like a real brother. He halfway regrets not making this an audio or video conversation just for the sake of getting a bitter laugh in. Like a real brother. Maybe once, maybe before, but not after all the things he’s done. ]
If you believe that is how he saw me, then you’ve forgotten who it was that I betrayed.
[ In Theon’s mind, it all comes back around to Robb rather than the Starks as a whole. It’s pitiful and honestly a bit cruel. Winterfell was a home to all of them, but it’s how he’s always viewed it. Robb was his friend and actually trusted him. The others just put up with him. ]
Or you would like to make me think you’ve forgotten.
no subject
[ just like he'd protected her, in the end. but how can she protect him if he won't let her? ]
I haven't forgotten... I've forgiven you. There's a difference. I don't believe you did it because you wanted to. You may have done it because you felt like you had to, but you never did it because you'd have hated Robb, or wanted him to come to any harm.
Besides, you've been punished enough for what you did. At least the you I remember has been.
no subject
[ When he sees Jon and Sansa, he has a difficult time recognizing them as the people he once knew. The Sansa who left for King's Landing only tolerated him, but he can never seen her claiming to want to protect him from anything. He struggles with these new versions of the children he grew up with. They confuse him and the unfamiliarity angers him.
Everything angers him, truth be told. ]
No, I never hated Robb, but that doesn't mean he would ever forgive me if he were still here.
I'm not the Theon you remember. I'm not sure he existed at all. Stop trying to make me into him. I'm not him.